-I’m told to play in the steel drum gig and it turns out that someone else is playing it instead of me, cause someone didn’t hear from me/thought I was busy.
-The people I plan on going to PASIC with already made room reservations cause they didn’t think I was going. Cause when we talked about it I “sounded” like I wasn’t going to go, when I had said that I was going to go..
-The fact that I’m letting these things get to me. The steel gig, I can live with, there will be more of them, and I’ll just make sure it’s voiced that I am willing (and have been for about 2 years now) to play with them. (So much for me being the “back-up” drummer.) The PASIC thing gets on my nerves a bit more, particularly because I figured they would check for sure before they made reservations. Luckily, someone is looking for roomie for PASIC so I’m doing that, but still. What if that didn’t happen. I would just have to (hopefully) get my own room.
Nihilism is the view that nothing exists. There are different kinds of nihilism; one can be a moral nihilist, for instance, holding that morality does not exist, or a religious nihilist, holding that God does not exist. The problem of the specious present supports a universal nihilism, the view that nothing whatsoever exists.
In order for something to exist it must have duration, it must exist for a certain amount of time. To say that something exists for no time at all, that at the very moment that it comes into existence it also passes out of it, is to say that it doesn’t exist at all. Unicorns exist for no time at all; so do square circles. Things that exist for no time at all don’t exist. In order for something to exist it must have duration.
The past and the future do not exist; they are not there, in the world. Perhaps the past once existed, and perhaps its effects can still be seen in the world today, but the past doesn’t exist now; if it exists now, then where is it? And perhaps the future will exist one day, but it doesn’t exist yet; again, if it exists now, then where is it? The past and the future clearly do not exist; the universe consists only of the gap between them, the present.
How large is the gap between the past and the future? What is the duration of the present? A minute? A second? A nano-second?
Clearly the present does not last as long as a minute. A minute consists of different temporal parts. First comes its beginning, then its middle, and then its end. Each of its parts occurs at a different time. If its beginning is present then its middle and end are future. If its middle is present, then its beginning is past and its end is future. If its end is present then its beginning and middle are past. If the present lasted as long as a minute then it would consist of past, present, and future elements, but that would be absurd; the present must be wholly present.
The same, though, could be said if the present were of shorter duration, lasting only a second, or even only a nano-second. In either case, the present would have temporal parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. If its beginning were present then its middle and end would be future. If its middle were present, then its beginning would be past and its end would be future. If its end were present then its beginning and middle would be past. If the present has any duration at all then it consists of past, present, and future elements, but that, as I said before, would be absurd.
The present, then, has no duration; there is no gap between the past and the future. It has already been seen, though, that to say that something has no duration is to say that it does not exist. The present, then, like the past and the future, does not exist.
If there is neither past, nor present, nor future, though, then what is there? Nothing. Nothing exists at all. Universal nihilism is true.
Three years ago today, I started dating an incredible person. Three years ago today, I was a completely different individual. I was careless. I did a lot of things without thinking of the consequences. I over analyzed situations. I made up situations. I pretended to be somebody I wasn’t. I was too concerned with “getting some.” I didn’t focus on what was important, what was right in front of me. Three years ago, my life had a whole new meaning to it, but I was too blind to see it. I was too caught up in the now; in unimportant matters that would disappear as quickly as they came.
During the last three years, I came to know and love a wonderful individual. We laughed, we cried, we fought, we forgave. We partied until the sun came up, we laid in bed together until the moon was above us.
But there was something, a demon from the past, that was haunting and corrupting me. I did things that I knew I shouldn’t have, that thinking about them I wouldn’t have. But I was naive. I was blind to what I had in front of me, and I threw it away, with no regard to how important that was. There was no regard to feelings and emotions, no regard to how this might affect the other person. I forgot that what a relationship meant; that it involves two people, not just one individual. It takes two people to create that unique feeling of joy that one cannot achieve by themselves.
Three years ago I was immature.
If I could go back, I would tell myself to get my act together; to think about what’s important and what is just foolish nonsense. I would redo the whole thing, starting on day 1, being a different person. I would be someone who cares, someone who would always be there, even if it was inconvenient with other plans I had that were just stupid bullshit. I would be the shoulder to cry on, be the friend whom you could talk to.
But the truth is, I can’t go back in time. I can’t fix the damage I have created. I’ve gone through the last three years as a tornado, leaving a path of destruction behind me. All I can do now is pray for forgiveness, and that maybe, one day, you’ll give me another chance.
If that day comes, and you say you want to try again, to repair broken hearts, I will be here, giving more than I’ve ever given before. However, if you find that I don’t deserve another chance; that you’ve given me too many chances and I should’ve gotten my act together sooner, then I will understand. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you, and that I will always love you and care for you.