Life of a musician

Some things I’ve been thinking about

• You
• Me
• How long I’ve been single
• What I really want
• What I’m good at
• What I’m not good at
• How come the not good list is bigger than the good list
• What my life would be like if I just ran away and did something awesome
• Reasons why you might be avoiding me
• Reasons why I might be making it up
• Reasons why I might be crazy

Mistakes

Everybody has them. Everybody has their own flaws. It’s a fact. If you don’t, then you either think too highly of yourself, or not having any IS your mistake.

I have my own problems. I’m scared of hurting people I care about. I’m scared I’m going to end up alone, and sometimes while trying to make sure that doesn’t happen and I don’t screw up, I end up screwing up. I’ll admit that. You have your own problems. I get that. But if you’re wanting me to get close, let me know. I promise I won’t laugh at you. I won’t make fun or think it’s weird. I understand. I’m just trying to let you know that so that, hopefully, you’ll let me in. I’ll even share some of my deepest feelings with you if it means helping you get closer. 

I may come off as kind of a tough guy. I may come off as wanting the wrong intentions. Hell, I may even come off as a complete fuck up who needs to get a hold of his life. But if you got to know me, I mean ACTUALLY know me, you would see that I’m not like that. If I say I care, then I mean it. I’m not going to just toss around words and leave you with empty promises. I’m not that guy.

I think if you truly want to care for someone, want to love someone, then you have to expose yourself for everything you are. Every single thing that you like about yourself and don’t like. I don’t think it’s possible not to love someone if they let you in that deep. 

I want to let you in. But I can’t be the one doing all the work. You have to give it a try.

My biggest fear

Is growing old and regretting that I didn’t do enough of what I love. It’s getting to be 80 and realizing “Fuck.. Why didn’t I spend more time ____.”

So far I’m mostly happy. I’m majoring in music, and I’m going to work towards becoming a piano tuner after I graduate next year. But like I said, I’m mostly happy. There are still some things, and some people, that I wish I could connect with more and have more of.